"How do I come out as asexual to my adult children?"

Coming out as ace in this generational dynamic has its own rules.

G writes:

I'm in my mid-50s and while I have definitely always been asexual, I didn't have the term for it until about three years ago. I'm in a heterosexual marriage and have three kids ranging from late teens to early twenties. These three years have been quite a ride, between coming to this new understanding of myself as different rather than broken and abnormal, being sad and angry about the decades of trying to "fix myself," and my husband and me trying to figure out what our next steps are as a couple.

I'm at the point where I'd very much like to share my sexual orientation with my kids, but this also feels very overwhelming. I've never had any conversations with them about asexuality as a concept, so I don't know how familiar they are with the term, though I do know that TV shows and books and social media today do have some ace representation. I'm ready and very much wanting to be my authentic self with them and to stop "hiding" this part of myself (not to mention being anxious they don't see emails in my inbox from Ace Dad Advice or my local Ace and Aros group and start asking questions!) Of course, all kids are different, and all parental relationships are different, but any general advice about how to go about sharing this part of myself with my children?

Hey G:

I’m so glad you asked this question! So much of the information and advice out there around coming out (even from me) presupposes someone younger coming out to their peers or the adults in their lives. Your generational dynamic — parent coming out to their children — is less centered in our conversations.

I do think some of the basic “rules” apply. Be mindful about safety when deciding when to come out. Have a clearly thought-out plan for how to explain your identity and how you live it. Anticipate pushback or questions, and devise some answers for them. Pick a time and place where you feel empowered and safe, which gives you the best chance to have this conversation with confidence.

Maybe a good way to begin is to have a conversation about asexuality more broadly with your children. This would give you a better sense of what they know (and what, ultimately, would have to go into your Ace PowerPoint later down the road), but also of how they feel about asexuality. What stereotypes might they hold? What are their general vibes about aceness and ace people? Pick one of the many depictions currently out there — Heartstopper is the first time come to mind — and use it as a way to talk about ace folks with them. You’ll learn a lot, and you’ll also be able to teach a little, if necessary. It takes the edge off a coming out that requires the PowerPoint, and it relieves some pressure on them to accept something new about a parent and decipher nuances of an identity they might not know much about.

When it comes to the actual coming out conversation, I think it’s always best to just tell the truth. “I want to talk to you about something that might be challenging, but it’s important to me. It’s important because you knowing who I am fully is important to me. It’s important because I value telling you the truth. So I want to talk about something I’ve learned about myself in the last few years, because I love you and don’t want to hide things from you.”

Then, share your truth as well as your journey to it. You can make the call about how much you want to share regarding how your aceness is expressed, but I think it’s essential to talk about how you want them to interact with your aceness (what questions are appropriate, who they’re free to share it with, things like that) and how you intend to publicly share your aceness. I’m not suggesting they should have a say in how you’re publicly ace, but it’s a helpful way to get them to understand how you want to live out this new understanding of yourself.

Ultimately, I think all of this is contingent on the relationship you’ve already developed with your children. Follow the contours of the relationship you already have and fit these new realities into that. And do this in your own time. You don’t have to have this conversation until the time is fully right for you.

Best of luck!