"How do I figure out if a new therapist is ace-affirming?"

A few simple questions can help you determine whether a new therapist is right for you.

B writes:

For the last few years, I was seeing a therapist who was great. She was open about my asexuality, and while she didn’t know a lot, she was respectful and affirming and never treated my being ace as a problem for me to work on. I came out as ace to her after we started working together. Recently, I had to move for a new job, and I’ve been looking for a new therapist. I’m hesitant to bring up being ace with them upfront, because I know other aces who’ve had bad experiences with therapists. Do you have any suggestion on ways to bring this up with a new therapist and how to know this person will be good about my being ace?

Hey B,

Finding aspec-affirming mental healthcare providers is a challenge for a number of aspec individuals. In a study called “Asexual‑Identifed Adults: Interactions with Health‑Care Practitioners,” researchers found that 45% of the study cohort chose not to disclose their sexual orientation to their mental healthcare provider, with a quarter of those participants citing previous negative experiences with disclosure as a reason to not disclose to their current provider.

I’ve lived this firsthand. When I moved to Ohio, I had to find a new therapist. I disclosed my asexuality to one therapist during our intake session. He expressed confusion about the fact that I’m married, and I explained the spectrum of ways asexuality can be expressed. He told me, “Well, I don’t think you know what asexuality is,” and that was pretty much the nail in the coffin for that therapeutic relationship.

Healthcare providers across the board are in need of better training in what asexuality and aromanticism are, as well as in the ways those identities can show up across all kinds of relationships. There’s a gap in training, a gap in the available research and information, and a gap in aspec experts given space and power to move these conversations in healthcare. Structurally, the odds aren’t in our favor for finding aspec-affirming therapy.

But there are some ways we can self-advocate in those intake sessions with new providers. Here are a handful of questions that will help you get a read on a new provider:

Are you currently or have you worked before with asexual clients? This won’t tell you exactly what they know, but it will tell you if asexual clients are willing to work with this therapist. A therapist who’s got some hands-on experience with ace clients — particularly current, ongoing experience — is a good sign.

Do you have any training working with asexual clients? Practitioners who’ve sought out further education on asexuality and asexual experience are another good sign. This also allows you to discuss what that training looked like. Did they get it from reliable aspec educators? How extensive was the training? What did they learn?

Do you have aspec people in your life? This may seem a bit personal for a client to ask a therapist, but I think it’s important. While a therapist may not have aspec clients, they may have aspec people in their life, and those relationships could positively impact their ideas and attitudes about aspec experience.

These four questions are just some reliable jumping-off points. You could also dig deeper. “I’ve had mixed experiences in the past with therapists not understanding or misunderstanding asexuality. Could you tell me a little about what you think and know about asexuality?” Sure, this puts the provider on the spot, but you’re trying to find out of this person is trustworthy as your therapist. Ask the questions you need to measure that level of trust.

Don’t forget: these first sessions with a new practitioner are not just for them to assess you, but for you to assess them. It’s an interview they’re on to demonstrate they’re right for you. Don’t relinquish your power in this dynamic. You have a right to ask questions.

Good luck!