"I can't stop wishing I wasn't asexual."

SB writes:

Hi ace dad. Your videos have been helping me a lot in understanding asexuality and ‘coming out’ to myself. However I can’t stop wishing that I weren’t asexual. Is it possible that the label asexual feels so wrong because my lack of sexual attraction Is due to depression/being a ‘late bloomer’? Or is it just that I am still thinking about Asexuality in a negative way because of internalised aphobia?

Hi SB,

Let’s start with a little thought experiment. Close your eyes, take a breath, and just… stop being ace. Make that decision, right here, right now. Stop being asexual.

How did that go? My guess is, not successfully.

Regardless of the reason — be it depression, being a “late bloomer,” be it hormones or confusion or just plain old asexuality — the things you feel (or don’t) and the way you’re experiencing the world right now can’t be simply turned off. They can’t be thought away. They’re what’s happening. And you’ve got two choices here: push against them by wishing them away unsuccessfully or make a little peace with them and find yourself in them.

(Spoilers: I’m on the side of making peace with it.)

It’s perfectly valid to experience these negative feelings. Wanting to change, to have the part of you that causes you struggle and uncertainty disappear, to be “normal” like everyone else because that’s got to be easier, better, happier — these are all natural, valid feelings to have when you’re on this road. Are they probably internalized aphobia? Yeah. Probably. Does that make them feel less real? Nope. Not at all. So don’t beat yourself up because you’re struggling. You’re living an experience outside the cultural norm. Struggle is the name of the game.

What you can do in this struggle is build up another voice, a voice that affirms you, supports you, celebrates the part of you you’re struggling with. It would be awesome if that voice came from inside you, but if it can’t — and trust me, that’s a hard hard process — look outward to things and people that can create that voice. Find ace content creators that make you feel good about yourself. Create a playlist of ace YouTube videos or TikToks. Build a library of ace books that you can dive into when you need them. Put little ace affirmations on sticky notes around your spaces. Put the ace flag in places you’ll see it. Build a wall around the negative voices in your head with positive, affirming ace things, and lean on that wall when you have trouble standing firm on your own two feet.

Eventually, the positive voices from the outside will work their way in, and the supportive, affirming voice will be your own. But that’s a process. Be patient. And be kind to yourself while you’re waiting.

And let me be the first to put a brick in that wall: Your asexuality is not a burden. You are not broken. The part of you that’s not like the folks around you right now is one of the things that make you… you. And that’s awesome. When you’re feeling down, alone, and wish you weren’t ace, remember: I’m on your team. I’m over here rooting for you. I believe in you, even if you don’t right now. You’ve got this, friend. Keep going.

If you have questions or need advice about asexuality, sex and relationships, send ‘em to cody@acedadadvice.com.