"I'm ace and sex-favorable, but my friends laugh it off."

You don't have to endure the hurt of your friends not respecting your ace identity.

RK writes:

I’m asexual and sex-favorable. It’s something I’m comfortable with, and it’s something my partner is comfortable with, too. I’m lucky that my partner understands it, and doesn’t make a big deal about it. But I’m not as lucky when it comes to my friends. I came out to my friends a few months ago. I only came out as ace maybe a year ago. And some of the responses from my friends have been disappointing. They have basically dismissed my being ace, because I have a sexual relationship with my partner. I’ve explained it to them. I’ve explained what sex-favorable is and how it’s still asexuality, but they just laugh it off or don’t take it seriously. It hurts, because it feels like they think I’m making it up for attention or something. And I feel like I can’t be my full self around them. It also makes me question myself sometimes, like maybe they’re right. I don’t know how to handle this situation.

Hey RK,

Questioning the legitimacy of sex-favorable aces happens more often than we’d care to admit. Sex-favorable aces aren’t only questioned by allos unfamiliar with that part of the asexual spectrum. The call comes from inside the house, too. There are entire subreddits out there dedicated to the idea that the only “true asexuals” or “real asexuals” are those who don’t have sex. Being sex-favorable and on the asexual spectrum is a widely misunderstood experience.

For the uninitiated: sex-favorable is a term used in the asexual community to describe someone who, while not or rarely experiencing sexual attraction, is open to and enjoys including sexual activity in their lives and relationships. “But how can you have sex if you don’t feel sexual attraction?” Well, sex-favorable folks ground their sexual activity in a host of other reasons: it’s physically enjoyable, it’s a way to express other attractions they do experience, it’s a pathway to enjoyable intimacy with a partner, etc. Being sex-favorable also makes sense along the parts of the asexual spectrum where sexual attraction is possible under certain circumstances; demisexuality comes to mind here.

De-legitimizing sex-favorable aces happens in a number of ways. Often, it’s claiming it’s simply not asexuality. That’s rooted in the incorrect understanding that asexuality is equated with not having sex. Sex-favorable aces are also de-legitimized by saying their experience is basically the same as being allo, and that when you’re sex-favorable, you don’t experience the negatives of asexuality. This ignores the complexity of experiencing sexual attraction non-normatively. And sex-favorable aces can be accused of being sex-favorable only to curry the favor of allos and to be and feel “special.” This one comes most often from inside the ace community, and it’s a deeply unnecessary form of identity gatekeeping.

When dealing with people in your life who want to dismiss your asexuality because you’re sex-favorable, there’s only so much explaining you can do. If you’ve had the conversations educating them about how some aces can be sex-favorable — and that you’re living proof standing right in front of them — and they still insist on holding on to their incorrect beliefs, you shouldn’t waste anymore time trying to be an educator. Learning only happens when both parties are open to it. It sounds like, in this case, there’s resistance across the learning table from you. If they’re unwilling to learn about asexuality and how you personally experience and express it, then save your educator spoons for more willing learners.

The conversation to have next is one focused on the hurt you’re experiencing. Their dismissal is damaging your feeling of safety and respect within your relationship, and thats worth a conversation. “Hey. I want to talk to you about how it feels that you don’t take my asexuality seriously. It’s causing me to feel less safe in this relationship with you.” Focus on that feeling: “I’m hurt you don’t take seriously what I’m sharing with you about my life. It makes me feel like you don’t respect me.” The focus on the damage you’re feeling in the relationship, as opposed to the specifics of asexuality, might bring the point a little closer to home for them. Maybe it’ll open their eyes and hearts to make some positive changes.

You can also use this conversation to set some new boundaries. Maybe it looks like taking some topics of conversation off the table, like “no asexuality conversations” or “no relationship conversations.” If they push back, worried that this will make your friendship less deep, reinforce that you’re merely reflecting what feels safe for you because of their choice to not take your asexuality experience seriously. There are consequences to how we treat each other.

Bottom line: you don’t have to give give give when a relationship partner isn’t giving back. If your friends don’t treat your sex-favorable experience respectfully, you aren’t obligated to give your energy educating them or being vulnerable with them in the ways you have been. And other people’s ideas about the way you express your asexual identity have no bearing on the reality of your asexual experience. You’re sex-favorable whether they believe you are not. You’re sex-favorable whether they respect it or not.

Don’t internalize someone else’s aphobic ideas. You know who you are. You know what you feel.