"I'm aroace, and my friends think I'm 'too intense.' What should I do?"

We can (and should) advocate for our wants and needs in friendships just as much as we do in romantic relationships.

Platonic Pal writes:

I am the only aroace in my friend group. I came out as aromantic last year, and as an adult over 30, it helps me contextualize a lot of friendships ending because I’m “too intense” about my friendships. I’ve tried to explain to my friends that because I don’t feel romantic feelings, friendship is most important to me, and feeling like an afterthought in friendships is so hurtful…. But my friends still complain it’s too intense to feel this strongly about a friendship. Am I saying something wrong? Am I using the wrong language to express my feelings?

Dear Platonic Pal,

I don’t think there’s ever anything wrong with articulating your wants and needs in your relationships, platonic or otherwise. It’s one of the fundamental tools for building good relationships. It’s also a tool aspec people have largely been socially conditioned to think we don’t deserve. Cultural norms around romance and sex have taught us (and our allo counterparts) that what aspec people want and need is incompatible with successful relationships. We’ve internalized that thinking, and many of us feel unable or not allowed to ask for our wants and needs with the people around us. So the fact that you’re where you are at communicating how you want to exist in relationships puts you ahead of the game.

Your email doesn’t make clear how you’re articulating these wants and needs to the friends in your life, but the fact they’re receiving it as “too intense” leads me to a few possibilities you might explore to make your communication with them more successful.

First, be sure your communication around your wants and needs aren’t demands. Relationships of all kinds are at their best when they feel like collaborations. When all the people in a relationship feel as though they’re contributing to the success of it, are free to voice concerns within it, and are an active, respected part of the relationship’s decision-making, that relationship has a better chance of working. Your needs and wants are important and deserve consideration, but if they’re being presented as demands of your friends, that’s cutting them out of some of that collaborative energy.

Second, make sure you know what your friends expect, want and need out of their friendships. This is something we don’t tend to talk about in friendships, but getting a clear picture of everyone’s expectations — what they want, what their personal resources are, and how they’re willing to spend them in this relationship — can transform a friendship. You know what friendships mean to you. Find out what friendships mean to them. From there, you can see where you might meet in the middle or discover that some friends can’t provide the kind of relationship you’re hoping for.

You can engage these questions in a conversation. Begin with an invitation for collaboration: “Hey, I’ve been thinking about our friendship, and I really value it. I’d love to have a conversation with you about where we are and how our friendship might grow or improve. It’s something I’d like to work with you on.” Reassert the role friendships play in your life as an aroace person. Ask them to share the role friendships play in their life.

Bring to the table a concrete example of a way you’d like the friendship to be different. Don’t just say, “I want our friendship to matter more!” Instead, say, “I’d value having more time with you to do an activity we enjoy. Can we discuss how that might work for both of us?” Having a concrete focus to collaborate on will feel gentler and be easier to work on. (And keep it to one thing. Don’t overload the conversation with a slew of issues to solve.)

Finally, express gratitude for whatever they’ve shared and whatever steps you’ve mutually agreed on moving ahead.

It’s good to keep in mind that these conversations won’t always end the way you want them to. For many allo folks, friendships will always fall lower in the hierarchy than their romantic relationships. Some people simply don’t afford as much space for their friendships as others do. And sometimes, no matter how much you explain, some folks won’t understand. All of these things are okay, and none of them are a reflection of your worth as an aroace person. But by having these conversations, by treating your wants and needs as worthy of discussion and collaboration, you are living your worthiness as an aroace person.

Final thought: if simply knowing what you want and asking for what you want makes you “too intense” for some people, then so be it. It’s definitely worth finding new ways into conversations to make people more comfortable, but never compromise what’s central to you and what makes a fulfilling relationship.