"My allo partner thinks something is wrong because I'm not into sex right now."
Shifts in the way we express our ace identities can be confusing for allo partners. Here's how to talk about it.
RK writes:
I’m asexual and sex-favorable. I don’t really experience sexual attraction, but I don’t mind having sex with my partners, as long as my boundaries are respected and I feel that my ace identity is being respected. I’ve been with my current partner for the last year. Things have been really good between us, and he’s been very understanding regarding my relationship to sex. I’m going through a period right now where I’m just not feeling as open to sexual stuff as I have been in the past. This has happened to me other times, and I see it as just a part of how I’m ace. Sometimes, I’m more sex-neutral or sex-averse than others. My partner is not pushing me to do anything I don’t want to do, but it has caused tension between us because he feels it’s because I’m not into him the way I was before or that something else is wrong. How do I help him understand that none of that’s true?
Hey RK,
As a sex-favorable ace person as well, I have experiences similar ebbs and flows in my openness to sexual stuff with my partners. I experience it as a natural part of how I’m ace, but I’ve had times where my partners experience it very differently. They, as your partner, experience it as rejection, or as a signal that something more significant has changed in our relationship.
The place to begin is to honor those feelings in your partner by understanding where they come from. For many allo folks, a decrease in willingness to engage in sexual activity does indicate a decrease in sexual attraction or it signals a tension or issue in some other part of the relationship. Why? We’re socialized to connect emotional connection with our relationship partners to sexual interest in our relationship partners. When one ebbs, we’re socialized to believe it’s because the other has ebbed.
We know that different kinds of attraction can work independently. (Thanks split-attraction model.) We know that while your emotional attraction and other attractions to a partner might be steadfast, your experience of sexual attraction (or the way that gets expressed in your openness to sexual activity) my fluctuate a lot.
Frame your partner’s feelings within this context. Affirm that you can understand why he might think this, but reinforce that it’s a framework that doesn’t apply to your relationship. While changes in sexual interest might have been red flags in previous relationships, there are different rules at play here, and those changes aren’t necessarily signals here.
Follow that by reaffirming your partner in the areas he’s expressing concern for. In any relationship, it’s valuable to lift up our partners when they’re feeling on shaky ground. You don’t have go overboard and coddle your partner (and you certainly shouldn’t reward any petulant behavior coming from your partner because they’re feeling insecure), but if he’s worried you’re not as emotionally invested or not as into being with him, remind him that’s not true.
Finally, discuss how you might, together, come up with some gestures or practices of intimacy that will feel affirming for both of you while you’re in this phase of your relationship to sexual activity. I’m not saying you need to engage in sexual things you’re not comfortable doing. But perhaps there are other forms of intimacy that will feel comfortable and affirming for both of you that can be prioritized and practiced. Create a menu that works for now, and when the vibes change, you can expand the menu then.
While it doesn’t sound like you’re doing this, it’s a good reminder: throughout this relationship negotiation, don’t apologize for your asexuality. Don’t treat it as a problem. Don’t treat it as the obstacle to overcome. Desire discrepancy is a natural thing that can occur in all relationships, ace or allo. You’re engaging in relationship collaboration that isn’t unique to ace folks in relationships. Best of luck!
If you have a question about relationships, sex or identity, email them to me!