"My friends keep choosing their romantic relationships over our friendships. Help!"
Z writes:
How do I cope with my friends continually choosing/valuing romantic relationships over the platonic ones I have with them? I’m struggling to love my ace identity when the world keeps reminding me I’m viewed as “less than.”
Hey Z,
Talk to enough aspec folks, and you’ll hear this story again and again: I was developing this great friendship/platonic relationship with a person. It was terrific. But then, they met someone they were romantically and/or sexually compatible with, and their relationship with me was pushed to the side. Without even discussing it with me! And I was expected to be okay with it and not be hurt, because that’s how things are supposed to go.
No one wants to feel as though their time, emotional support, or presence is instantly less valuable simply because you don’t offer sex or romance. But our cultural norms around sex and romance point all of us, whether we like it or not, towards romantic relationships as the ultimate goal.
“…we must avoid turning [cultural norms] inward on us, using them as mirrors in which to examine our aspec identities.”
First of all, it’s important we don’t internalize those romantic and sexual cultural norms. We need to be aware of things like allonormativity, compulsory sexuality, and amatonormativity, because they can help us understand the choices of the people around us when it comes to relationships. But we must avoid turning those ideas inward on us, using them as mirrors in which to examine our aspec identities. The world may view our aspec identities as “less than,” but we don’t have to sign for that package. We don’t have to let that shape how we see ourselves. We should measure our aspec identity based on how it makes us feel in our bodies, what comfort it brings us in understanding ourselves, and how it shapes the kinds of relationships and experiences we want. That is the package we should sign for.
I’m also a big believer in our right to self-advocate in our friendships and platonic relationships. Sure, the cultural norm says we should expect and accept that our friendships will be pushed aside for romantic relationships, but there is no reason we, as aspec folks, have to lie down and take it. We can — and have a right to — ask for the things we want from our friends. Not demands, but respectful conversations about needs and possible compromise.
It’s entirely within bounds for us to say to a friend, “Hey. I know you’re in a romantic relationship now that you’re really excited about. And I’m excited for you, as well. But our friendship has changed a lot, and that change has been a little hard for me. I’d love to talk about that with you, and see if there might be possible ways for us to spend more time or make more intentional connections friendship-wise.”
it’s important that we, as aspec folks, feel empowered to bring our aspec identities, needs and wants to the table and advocate for them as though they have value. Because they do have value. The kinds of relationships we want and the ways we want to exist within our friendships and platonic relationships are just as real, valid and worthy of prioritizing than any other way of approaching relationships. Why shouldn’t we ask our friends to consider some other way to exist in relationship with us?
Plus the way we treat our aspec identities, needs and wants tells others how they should treat us, our needs and wants. Sometimes, if we want respect for our aspec selves, we have to first demonstrate what that respect looks like. We do that by respecting our wants and standing up for them.
You might not change their mind or the way they prioritize relationships, but you’ll have pushed back hard against the world telling you you’re “less than.” And that is a victory in itself.