"When should I have my identity figured out, and do I need to give it a label?"
We're not projects that can be completed. We're always a work in progress
G writes:
I found myself in a queerplatonic relationship recently and it got me all confused (like I was not enough lost :D) as I ,as well as my partner, was clueless about what the actual heck was going on between us. Then I decided to let it go, because I was simply happy in my place. However, he does not take it as well as I do (understandably, considering his family and roots) and therefore we are in a kind of complicated situation.
What I wanted to ask you is that do you think naming what is going on (like giving it a title) as ‘queerplatonic relationship’ is essential in my situation, bearing in mind that we are 17 and simply teenagers going through adolescence, and could it help me feeling better about the issue or am I overthinking everything? I don’t know when exactly I should start comprehensively pondering upon my romantic or sexual orientation. I know that I’m still little, and really young so that I’m questioning many aspects of life, but I am not sure that I will know when it is time to find the answers. Or do I need to find answers at all? What if I fake my identity? How and when can I know?
Hey G,
You’ve got two big questions here, and I’ll take them one at a time.
First, is it necessary to give your relationship a title? There’s no universal answer to this question. You and your partner represent two common points of view. For you, the naming isn’t all that important; you’re enjoying your relationship and it doesn’t need a name. Your partner is feeling the opposite; the naming is important to how he sees the relationship and understands its place in his (and your shared) life. Both views are “correct.” What you and your partner need to do is find a common ground between them.
There are some core reasons people crave labels for identities and relationships. Labels help people understand what something is and how it fits into the rest of who they are. Labels also lend legitimacy to identities and relationships. If you can name it, then it’s “real.” And labels can help others understand the nature of someone’s identities and relationships, which helps them show up and support them. These reasons, coupled with the family dynamics you mention, could be why naming your relationship is important to your partner.
The best course of action is to have a conversation about why he’s feeling like a label is important and why you’re feeling as though it’s not. Articulating those reasons underneath give you and your partner guideposts to compromise. Maybe you meet him on a couple of his concerns, and he meets you on a couple of yours. Not only will this help you in the question of labeling your relationship, but you’ll also gain some deeper understanding of what each other wants in your relationship.
To your second question: when’s the right time to really “figure out” what’s going on with your sexual and romantic orientation? Do you even need answers?
I think what’s needed here is a mental reframing. There’s no “right time” for identity exploration to begin, and there’s no “right time” for it to end, either. Figuring out who we are is an lifelong process of discovery and exploration. We’re always figuring ourselves out. There’s no “final answer” to the question, “Who am I?” You’ll live a thousand different answers to that question across your life.
What’s key is to honor what you know right now about yourself. Because it’s the truth. It’s real. The way you understand yourself right now at 17 is as true and real as the way I understand myself at 49. Just because you’re young doesn’t mean you don’t know what’s happening in your body, mind, and heart. Will what you know today be true forever? Probably not. I am certainly not remotely the person I knew myself to be at 17. But change doesn’t invalidate what’s true today. So, embrace the answers you have right now. Embrace the places where the answer is “I don’t know.” And embrace the possibilities of who you might become tomorrow, next year, five years from now, fifty years from now.
